Maybe it is in my own head. Especially in Cycling there is a lot of group activity and group think. I think back and even in youth baseball I really did not like the team aspect. I have always haver been a loaner or individual.
Let me explain. I was born in 1963. My real father and mother divorced when I was a baby. You see my original father was a huge alcoholic. According to my brother he was not violent , just a bar sitting , smashed drunk. So obviously there would be massive stress in that relationship while my mother was carrying me. That stress produces Cortisol. Cortisol is a stress Hormone. It in basic is a natural fight or flight chemical mechanism in your body that causes you to be on point. It sharpens your awareness sensing danger.
So Mom, pregnant to the max is pumping out Cortisol. That Cortisol is in the Placenta. I was swimming in it. She has me, then they get divorced. We move to a small town in Wisconsin and her and I lived as a pair from 1963 to 1971. All is awesome. My mom was a super, perfect mom. It was like living in Andy Griffith. No stress, good grades and spoiled. I loved it and to top it off she bought me my first Siamese cat.
1971 She marries Doug. Now I am seven. Doug worked at Pabst. He drove a late 1960's bright red Oldsmobile 98 convertible. White leather interior. Looked like Eddie Arnold and sold that shit to Mom. After 1 year he began to belittle me in public. In front of my friends he would put me down. I never really had physical abuse , just a lot of verbal. On one night he entered my room and said that he married my mom, not me. He was a REAL ASSHOLE. Fast forward, my freshman year in high school he contracts Larynx Cancer and after two years dies. Seven years I was pummeled by this dickhead.
What happened to me inside It would take me until 2018 until I understood why I was the way I was. From fifteen until forty four years old I was full throttle. Alcohol abuse was really bad. One time I had to go to a treatment group at St. Mary's by the Lake front in Milwaukee. It was a Thursday. I made the meeting and was downtown by 9:30 to start the weekend early. You see the whole Cortisol story was coming back.
When I was evolving in the womb my DNA was evolving. So think of a switch. When you have fear the switch from your DNA tells you body to produce the Cortisol . You begin to really stress. The object of your fear leaves and your body disperses the Cortisol so you become calm. Well it turns out that if you have stress like that in the years of maturing my switch was wide open all the time. Alcohol became my answer.
This stress became known as ACEs. Adverse Childhood Experiences. You wonder why crime is rampant in the inner city? ACEs. So when I became a distant runner at eight and was running 8-10 miles, I was alone. Away from people. In my own head and basically Meditating or I prefer to call Flow State. I enjoy that part. The Training is my release, I truly enjoy the flow. Zero Mental Stress. All I think of is what I am doing that second. That second for sometimes now on the bike for 4 hours.
Competition, although I know I was good, compounded the problem. However I had one goal I mentally set in 1983. I wanted to medal in State Cycling. When I got sober in 2008 I started riding again. So now I was also replacing bar time with cycling. I was all in. It took me some time to notice there is a difference. I eventually with early power meter knowledge and thanks to Saris and Trocadero Cycling, obtained that medal in Cyclocross. Done. I hate all the packing, hotel, and shitty food. I do not want to pack , drive not sleep, race and come back. Not Interested. I like me time.
I continue to study, learn and even experiment training and diet. I find motivation in pro euro road and cross. I moved to Western North Carolina in 2019. I was motivated by Wily Smit who at the time rode for Katusha. He lived and trained in Andorra and ran a early video blog. I luv to train. Hard when needed and I continue to learn more every day to pass on to my clients. I change riders lives in six weeks with all the practical knowledge that the off the coucher or the PRO can use.
In 2020 I finally could not take the voices always running 1000 miles per hour through my head when I was not training. With a prescription after five weeks my well known sense of humor came back. I myself need the training and focus for me mentally. For me it is always about the process. The process can take years. The result is short. The quest for the result for many has ended up where they no longer see the benefit in the process. For me the process is I can still train as a teenager at 61 years old. Peace, Z.
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